I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
