Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
