His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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