A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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