my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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