Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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