I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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