I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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