saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
