jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
