its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize