Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize