My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
