Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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