Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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