Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i think i just lost a toe
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