During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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