i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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