half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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