Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
