question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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