I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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