So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
