I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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