my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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