The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
