so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
