Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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