he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
