and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
