Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize