Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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