So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
