If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
