Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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