i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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