There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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