we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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