Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
