i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize