he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She bit a glass in half.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
