I feel like abortions should bother me more
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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