I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And then he peed in my hair
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