She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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