Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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