I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
