your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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