I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize