Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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