I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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