That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
