Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
