I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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