When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
