Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need moral support for this bender
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
