how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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