This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
