who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
