I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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