Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
