I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
