I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Randomize
