She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Let's get the cat blown out
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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