Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
