So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
