God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
