If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
