i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
