Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
