Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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