Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize