Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
